Twilight Spoof of Epicness
by iggy-is-my-imprint
Summary: This is how twilight should have been, and when my class read it they all lauged so read and review
1. Chapter 1

**Me: My 2****nd**** story! YAY!**

**Sam: And I'm back too! **

**Quilosileidi: And I'm here!**

**Me: YAY!**

**Percy Jackson: Where the Hades am I?**

**Me, Sam and Quilosileidi: YAY!**

**Sam: Percy do the disclaimer! YAY!**

**Percy: Annabeth come get me! I am at…..**

**Me, Sam and Quilosileidi: *glare of death***

**Percy: …Um never mind**

**Disclaimer: She doesn't own anything, save me Poseidon!**

**Me, Sam and Quilosileidi: That won't work 'cause we're friends with Zeus! YAY!**

Twilight Spoof

Preface: 

I had always thought about how I would die, I wanted to drown in chocolate or have a terrible fridge accident. But dying for someone I'd only known for a few months seemed like a crappy way to go.

Chapter 1:

I had just got off the plane and had landed in Spoons, or was it Knives I can never remember. Maybe it was Sporks.

I was getting into the car with my dad who had a moustache, which was totally obviously fake. You could see the glue. We had just seen a big sign that said 'WELCOME TO FORKS!' Ah see I was close with Knives. Anyway we got home and I saw this disgusting red truck that suited my personality completely.

'Is this for me?' I screamed. Charlie mumbled something that kinda sounded like yes. I screamed and the neighbour's cat ran away. I had to buy a new one for them.

Chapter 2:

I had driven to school and I had gotten lost 4 times. I walked into the school building and screamed 'I HATE FORKS!'. As you can tell I was trying to not attract attention. A blond kid came up to me.

'Hi, you must be Isabella Swan, I love you! I'm Mike Newton, I love you.'

'Well I don't love you! I love the weird anti-social camper in my biology class even though I haven't met him yet!'I replied

'Okay, I love you!'

Chapter 3: 

I went to biology class and sat on my own! Suddenly a pale white thing in a cape with blood on his teeth came into the class.

'Sorry I'm late I was…..'I watched him stare at the girl across the room with bite marks in her neck. 'Busy. Yeah busy'

I THINK I LOVE HIM! I have always had a thing for abnormally ugly people with bad hair. This just proved the theory. He sat next to me and sniffed. I loved it he could SMELL me. He leaned away and passed me something across the desk. Soap!

'Thanks nobody's given me this in years!'

'I know…. I've been watching you while you were in the shower.'

Oh, that's sooooooo romantic. I am really in love with him. I swear he mumbled 'I vant to suck your blud. You smell like… my cat Pricilla… she died in 1910. I miss her every day.'

I stared at him. We had begun to connect on a really emotional level now. WE would soon be married. 'By the way, I sparkle in the sun. I am gay but I pretend I'm not.' I was hooked by his really bad fake American accent.

'Are you Superman?'I asked him in awe.

'No.'

'A werewolf?'

'What the heck Bella? A werewolf, are you out of your mind? They SUCK!' He is so ugly, I love him.

**Read and review or we will give you the glare of death!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay guys, I know I said I'd update quick, but I didn't sooo... don't kill me! I was busy and I broke both my arms over summer because I'm stupidly clumsy! I fell out a tree. I ran up it cause a spider was chasing me and then I realized how high up I was and kinda fell of. I know, what a klutz! Anyway here is the chapter! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing not even Carlisle's pen! Boo hoo!**

Chapter 4:

Edward wasn't here, and I was gonna die! He was so ugly and without his ugliness I looked worse than normal! It was like there was an Edward shape hole in my life and in my bag. Maybe that's where my money went! Jessica was being annoying and saying her thoughts out loud.

'Bella is so annoying, what does Edward see in her? I am so much prettier than her, more natural swing of hair, sexy pout at Mike! God I am so gorgeous!' God she was so annoying.

More days passed and the Edward hole in my life and bag was getting bigger and I was losing more and more money through it! When I walked into biology I saw that Edward was there and I threw myself into his lap.

'I missed you Eddie boy, you are so ugly! Tee hee!'

'I didn't really miss you Bella because I was eating people but they didn't taste as good as you would. ONLY JOKING I WAS CAMPING… AND MAKING MY SKIN SPARKLE! Oh wait, I'm meant to be mysterious! I mean I was nowhere. Doing nothing, and I wasn't eating people, or sparkling, or eating people, or running away from you, or eating people and I most definitely am not a vampire!"

"Oh, okay Eddie-kins, if I had more brain cells (I think I have about 213, or maybe its 4 I'm not that smart.) I would think you were using reverse psychology, but since I'm not it's, like, whatever!"

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen."

"Yeah I know Eddie, I'm Bella remember? Do you have a concussion like me? It makes me forget stuff. Important stuff which is… oh I forgot."

"No, I was told to say that to sound normal. Bella, why aren't you breathing?" I was slowly turning purple.

"Oh yeah that was the thing I forgot! Thank you Eddie! "

"Okay class today we are going to…" I zoned out staring t his greasy unbrushed hair. I was in, what's the word, oh love!

Chapter 5:

Everyone was going to beach next Saturday and I was going because I have no friends and I am a sad loner. We were walking to biology and I was tripping over every step I took. I had just got over my concussion when BAM, another one hits me! I have tripped over so many times I am surprised I am not stupid or something!

As I walked into biology the smell of blood hit me and I collapsed onto my desk over theatrically.

'Bella are you okay?' asked my biology teacher. Of course I was, I mean it's just another … what was I saying? Goats are cool! I 3 Eddie boy! The whole class was laughing now; guess I said it out loud. Oh well!

"Bella do you want me to take you to the nurse, I love you?" Mike said.

"No Mike, I'll be jellybeans!" Wait what did I say? "I mean fine! I'll be fine!"

"Um, I'm taking you anyway, I love you." He said and dragged me to the nurse's office.

"Put me down" I shouted at him. He did. Maybe if I pretended to be asleep he'll go away! Yeah, brilliant plan, Bells! I laid my head down on the pavement and closed my eyes, I was sooo good at this; I should be an actress!

"Bella?" a voice shouted at me. Oh crap he found out I was pretending! I am so dea- "Is she okay?" or maybe not! YAY!

"I think she fainted, I love Bella!" Hee hee, they didn't know I was pretending!

"Bella can you hear me?"

"Yes," I said "wait I mean, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

"Bella, I know you're not asleep."

"I am too!"

"No you're not!"

"Yeah I am!"

**Okay read and review, and I don't care if you have a go at me for not updating.**


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